Tag Archives: Panic

The woman with the broken heart

Once there lived a woman, whose heart was broken so badly that she couldn’t mend it. The man she loved cheated on her with her sister, and her mother ran away with another man who was much younger than her. The woman’s heart was shattered into tiny little pieces that she wanted to give up on life because she felt unloved by everyone around her.

She tried all sorts of remedies and went to different doctors, but no one could cure her. Each day that passed took away the woman’s will to survive. All she wanted to do was fade away and die.

Not knowing what to do with her life, the woman decided to go to a priest who lived at the edge of town, near a volcano that hadn’t erupted for the past three hundred years. She left her job, sold everything she had and voyaged to the priest.

“Love starts from within,” the priest had told her as he lit a small candle in a ceramic bowl.

The woman did not understand. The priest gave her the bowl with the candle and said, “in order for you to be cured, you must walk to the five great mountains of Halacin and make sure this flame does not die. And when you make it to the fifth mountain, you will find a cave which will show you your cure.”

“But that’s impossible,” the woman cried. “The gales, the winds, the oceans. Everything will blow out the flame. How am I supposed to keep it safe?”

“That is something you have to figure out on your own.” The priest said as he walked away.

The woman, not knowing what to do sat down and wept. She cried until she could not cry anymore. She was tired of all those heartbreaks, of all those disappointments, of all those failures, and it was at that moment where she decided that she would cross those mountains, search for that cave and find her cure.

She took the candle and began her journey. She faced many obstacles, but she did not let her guard down. The winds spoke against her will. The mountains rumbled beneath her feet. The forests blocked her path. The gales pushed her back and knocked her down. The sky poured onto her, but she did not give up. She did not let her flame perish.

When she reached the fifth mountain of Halacin, she found the cave and walked in. But as soon as she entered the mouth of the cave she saw nothing but the flames of the candle flickering on the walls of the cave. Desperately, she looked around for the cure the priest spoke of, but she was unable to find it.  The woman sat down and looked at the flame. Enraged, she blew out the candle herself.

The woman walked back down the mountains and went straight to the priest. She had decided that she would kill him and then she would kill herself.

“Ah, I see you’ve made your voyage,” the priest said as soon as he saw her come into his little hut.

“You lied to me,” the woman sobbed. She threw the candle and the ceramic bowl on the ground and looked up at the priest. “You said the cave would hold my healing, but it was empty. You lied to me just like everyone else.”

“No, ” the priest said smiling. “I do not lie. What did you see when you went into the cave?”

“I saw dirt, flames and a reflection of myself.”

“Exactly,” the priest said. “The cure you are seeking for is in you. You saw the flames of the candle, which means you protected it with all your might. No skies, no mountains, no gales could stop you because of your determination. Your heart, my child is the same. No one can tear it out of your chest without your permission. And that is why you need to guard it, protect it with all your might. Yes, a person will come along in your life and that person may break into your heart, but how can something so strong shatter so easily. Love with all your might and all your will.”

“But I am unloved. What’s the point of having a heart if I can’t love or if someone can’t love me”?

“Oh, my foolish child. How can someone else fall in love with you if you do not fall in love with yourself? Love can heal the greatest of all wounds, so love yourself first. Your life was tough I know, but you are tougher. Love has the ability to join, then why are you falling apart. Nothing had the ability to blow out your candle, but at the end, you blew it out yourself. Why? The problem was never the world, but how you perceived it. Often, we become our greatest enemies and in that war with ourselves, we cause damage to no one else but ourselves. You survived what was impossible. You kept the flame of the candle alive, then why not the flame in your heart and soul?”

broken heart two

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I am not guilty

I am not guilty
Listen to my pleads
My words are my witness
Won’t you trust me please?

I know my case isn’t strong
And I have no proof
but
If I could rip my heart open
I would do it
Just to show you the truth

Eyes can be deceiving
And words can tell lies
You’re listening to their words
Yet you don’t hear my cries

Maybe you’ll realize
When the time has gone
That I wasn’t guilty
I was just trapped
When I hadn’t done anything wrong

This prison doesn’t mock me
It’s the tearing thought inside
You were supposed to trust me
When no one else was by my side.

These walls I’m trapped in
don’t bother me at all
But it hurts knowing
That the person
who was supposed to help me rise
Was the first to make me fall.

Panic Attack

Your chest all of a sudden gains a few hundred pounds and you can feel the crushing weight explode through your ribcage. That organ pumping blood through your veins and arteries is pounding at a faster pace.

You’re having a heart attack.

No, you’re dying.

The amount of oxygen in the air significantly decreases and you can’t think straight. It’s like you’re gasping for air, but no matter how much energy you exert on your lungs you just can’t seem to breathe. Semidarkness starts to consume you and you’re trying so hard to stay in control, but you can’t. The ground beneath you starts moving so rapidly that it feels like an earthquake is erupting and you’re about to be swallowed by the earth. Every limb in your body turns to jello, and you feel the nerves in your body twitch. Your legs refuse to reconcile with your brain, and that tiny speck of light, illuminating your way all of a sudden just dims. It’s that strange feeling, that makes you paranoid. You know you’re not having a heart attack, but your brain tells you otherwise. Your entire body is soaked in sweat and you can feel it trickle down your spine.

The banging of your heart in your chest increases by a threefold and you’re scared because you’re afraid everyone will hear the thudding in your chest. You can’t make eye contact, so you lower your head and hope no one would notice.

The ache in every cell of your body is threatening to increase so you dig your nails deep into your flesh, hoping the mental damage that’s causing physical pain would somehow decrease, but it doesn’t help.

Nothing helps.

You want to cry for help because you don’t understand why you feel this way and you hate yourself for being the way you are.

The odd feeling of displacement.

The palpitations.

The loss of self-control.

Anger.

Rage.

Excessive Fear.

The terror of doing anything in the fear that something you can’t control will happen.

Every emotion takes turns to rip you apart from the inside.
It’s so exhausting and draining, and the only thing you want to do is lie down and sleep. Maybe ignore everything and hope that it will go away on its own.

“It’s okay,” you silently chant the words, hoping they could somehow embed into your brain. But the words seem meaningless and no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to act upon them. So, you clench your jaw so tightly, that you can hear the crack, but it doesn’t make a difference because the only thing that matters is an escape, because you know nothing is okay. But the problem is that you’re not trapped anywhere. The jail you’re trying to escape is in your mind.

This was just the panic attack. The overwhelming feeling that comes afterward is just as bad. It makes you feel weak and you scold yourself for overreacting. The threat wasn’t as big as the panic attack was. Guilt, self-hatred, doubt, every negative emotion just lingers in your mind.

“Maybe it won’t happen again,” you persuade yourself.

But what if it does, that tiny part of your mind screams.

This isn’t the worst part; the worst part is being afraid to do anything in life because you’re afraid that your mind will betray you again. It’s that feeling nagging you in the back of your mind, mocking you, telling you that it’ll happen again. And it does. Every freaking single time.

Your grades suffer.

Your relationships suffer.

Your job, friends, everything becomes chaotic.

But you’re afraid to seek help. Afraid of what people will say. Afraid of having to explain yourself to people who won’t understand. But you can’t give in, because the day you do, you’ll lose yourself and you can’t let that happen.

Not now.

Not ever.