Do you ever have those moments where your heart feels distressed? Where that organ pumping blood through your body just becomes stiff and it starts to ache so bad that you feel like you’re having a heart attack. Where your stomach starts to churn for no apparent reason and you feel like you’re about to die even though you’re kind of healthy. Like you don’t jog and you don’t go to the gym type of healthy. But more of a ‘I ate a salad today healthy’.
I’m not diagnosed with any major illnesses- except those that google told me I had. Apparently the headaches I’m getting are from a terminal illness that I can’t even spell or pronounce. According to the internet I have eight months to live.
But my point is that sometimes this distress makes us lose all of our energy. And energy should be seen like money-right. And you invest money it in things that give you comfort- Well sometimes. But my energy drains from my body as fast as water from a pipe hanging vertically from a high building.
Imagine investing money in things that tear your soul away from your body. Literally. Like yanking a thin piece of cloth from a bed of roses that have thorns. It hurts. My energy is like that. I invest it in all the wrong things and the worst part is that I can’t control it. It’s unconscious. It’s like I’m unconsciously draining my bank account. And that’s what I’m doing with my body. Draining out all the positivity and filling it with negativity.
I feel like my soul is being ripped from my body. It’s like I have no control over anything. Like the domino effect: where because of one domino all the other domino’s fall. Even the smallest things that happen are out of my hands. I don’t know what to do. What’s the point of banging my head on a door that refuses to open? Do I just give up, because right now, the pain I’m in is making me numb? Like I can’t think straight. I can’t think at all. It’s like my dense brain refuses to listen to its own self. I know I’m causing destruction to myself, but I just can’t help it. When I’m not going through such a phase, I feel odd because I feel like I should be going through something. It’s like you’ve been in a war all your life, and all of a sudden you’re out of that war and now it just feels weird because you’re not used to that state. It makes you restless.
When my energy is drained I feel tired. Like I just ran a marathon. Like I fought in a war without any weapons. My legs become sore and my back aches- without doing any physical exercise. My stomach churns like I have elephants fighting in there. And my heart thrashes in my ribcage like it’s a prisoner and it wants to escape.
I don’t know where I’m getting at with all this. But the point I’m trying to make is that the internal energy we all possess is being released all day. And when we go through negative emotions more energy is consumed. Think of it like this: when you’re stressed you release cortisol (the stress hormone) and when you’re happy you release dopamine and oxytocin (the happy and motherly hormone). Releasing dopamine and oxytocin make you happy. Releasing too much cortisol can lead to anxiety and depression or even high cholesterol.
It’s not easy to stop yourself from falling in this loop of negativity. It’s like trying to carry a 50 ton building on your back in extreme weather when everything around you is on fire. You get the point. It’s hard. But your energy is very important and it should be taken care of. Breaking bad habits is complicated, but the end results are always worth it. You have a limited energy in you and you should use that limited energy wisely. Start with the little things.
I despise myself what about you I’m very hard to love maybe you should leave me too.
I am not special so please don’t praise me like that or else I’ll fall in love with myself all over again.
How do you not see these scars and this imperfect flesh? Why would anyone love me when I’m an ugly mess?
I am not a beauty nor a queen but a broken, ugly creature. It’s okay if you don’t want me I wouldn’t want myself either.
Do you still want me?
I wrote this when I was going through a tough time in life. It was one of those moments where I didn’t understand why anyone would want to be around me because I sure as hell knew that if I had a choice I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me. You know that odd feeling where you feel like you aren’t the owner of your kingdom, where your body and mind aren’t tuned. That’s what I felt. At one point I hated myself and looking into the mirror made me question God. If He is perfect why would he create such a flaw? I feel like I’ve done so much damage to my own self that now I have to heal myself piece by piece and that’s hard. Very hard…
Love is when your dad comes home tired from work at 2 am, but still takes you to the ER because you’re not feeling well. It’s when he tries to sell and advertise your book while driving a cab because he believes in you.
Love is when your mom walks all the way to your high school and waits outside with an extra umbrella because its pouring outside. It’s when your mom stays awake all night with a cold cloth on your head because you have a fever.
Love is when your older brother drives you to your college so you wouldn’t miss class because you aren’t feeling well. It’s when he’s willing to give up his pay just so you could get a new laptop.
Love is when your younger brother buys you ice cream because your mad at him. It’s when he’s willing to travel two hours just to see you.
Love is when your younger sister deals with your tantrums and smiles even when you make her cry. It’s when she gives you her shoulder to cry on even when she’s going through her own stuff.
Love is when someone special travels two hours just to give you flowers and chocolates. It’s when that person is willing to spend their entire life with you.
Love isn’t about gain or loss. It’s not a business. It’s a feeling that keeps you warm even when the sun refuses to rise. It’s the light that shines through the darkest tunnel. Love is when your heart is content and satisfied with whatever life throws at you.
The white-hot chocolate seems bland. It’s mixed with cups of sugar but my tongue can’t seem to hold onto the taste.
The cup is warm, and I wrap my fingers around it to take away the coldness of winter.
Part of me is wishing I didn’t come, but that other part of me, the curious one is glad I did.
He’s sitting across from me and I feel anxious, like my heart is about to deflate in my chest. He’s nice and calm but nervous. He sits in an angle and he drinks his hot chocolate within seconds, while it takes me forever to finish mine. When I’m half way done, I start peeling the paper wrapped around the cup to divert my attention from the thoughts erupting in my brain like a volcano to the paper dissolving in my hands.
I keep my eyes down while he keeps on tapping his foot.
“Give me three good reasons why I should marry you?” I ask him, not because I wanna know but because I wanna see his reaction. He’s taken back like an interviewee does when an unexpected question is asked.
“Just one.” He says. “I’ll keep you happy.”
The answer brings a smile to my face but I hide it. He doesn’t need to know how I feel. I want him to back out. I want him to say things won’t work out between us because I can’t seem to say it. Because I feel like I’m developing feelings for him, and I hate that. I can’t be distracted. I have so much to do. So much to conquer. How can I let a guy side track me like that. How can I get into a relationship when I’m so focused on getting myself out there.
“I’m not ready yet,” I say to him sneaking a look into his eyes. He blinks but smiles and that smile melts my heart. Butterflies in my stomach twirl like a tornado. In his eyes I see confusion mixed with doubt. I wonder what he saw in my eyes. Probably an egotistical girl who has no idea what she wants from life. Or maybe a stupid indecisive girl.
“That’s ok.” He says, and I see a glint in his eyes that I can’t make out. He’s not mad or angry. He’s as calm as an ocean on a bright sunny day. And for some reason that gets me mad. How can he be so calm when I’m over here fighting a war I can’t win in my head. What was I expecting him to say? Maybe some romantic Bollywood dialogue? Saying how he can’t live without me. Maybe a curse? Maybe manipulation? Something besides that calm smile.
It’s weird how some people come into our life and change our entire direction. He changed my whole journey. And he didn’t even know.
I don’t know what it was about him that pulled me closer to him. Maybe in his presence I felt calm and human. I felt safe and for an anxious person that’s heaven..
“I should leave.” I rise to my feet, and pull out my charger from the wall next to the table. I say this because it’s getting late and if I stay longer I’ll change my mind.
“Yeah. I can drop you off.” He offers as soon as we leave the star bucks. The cold air slams into my face like a wall made of bricks.
I smile and shake my head, “Taking the trains would be easier.” I lie. I dread taking the trains at night. Some don’t work and the ones that do work change their tracks or they stop mid-way. Creepy people, drunkards, and drug addicts, sometimes take over the subways at night- especially on the weekends. But going with him doesn’t seem right either.
His car is parked on the opposite side and I’m surprised he didn’t get a ticket. He said he couldn’t find parking and he didn’t want me to wait so he just parked it. I don’t believe him, but I smile to assure him that I understand his struggle.
I feel guilty. I made him drive for two hours, just so I could say no to him. But he doesn’t seem bothered and that makes me feel a little better.
“Bye.” I wave at him. He smiles and waves back. My heart sinks in my chest as soon as I go underground toward the R train.
I’m so confused that I take the wrong train to Brooklyn instead of Queens. It’s only when I pass DeKalb Avenue that I realize I’m on the wrong train.
I curse myself out and regret coming here to meet him. I’m frustrated with school and my manuscript and work that I feel trapped. Like I’m suffocating. What does my future hold for me? Where am I headed? This is not what I had in mind when I left high school. It was to graduate college in four years. Get into med school. Start working. Buy a house and a car. Easy peasy lemon squeasy. Except the fact that I didn’t want to study medicine and it took me forever to graduate because I was side tracked.
Tears slowly start cascading down my cheek. I sit down on the bench as soon as I get out of the train and try to figure out why I’m hurt. Why is my chest aching like it’s physically wounded. Like I’m having a heart attack. Am I making the right choice? Is this what I want?
Two trains pass by and I blankly watch them. It’s the third train I sit on or maybe the fourth. Everything was a blur that I wasn’t sure what I was doing.
This was a choice I had made and now I had to live with the consequences.
I went home with red cheeks and an attitude my mom and siblings couldn’t understand. I cried myself to sleep that day.