Tag Archives: hope

Commitment

I have a phobia of elevators and of tight spaces. I’m also scared of animals and sometimes of thunder… and of being alone and the list goes on. But the one thing that makes me cage my heart behind thick metal bars is commitment. I’m even terrified of the word, like saying it out loud will bound me to some sort of spell. The word is like a curse, it’s tabooed.

I don’t want to break so I won’t join the pieces of me that are already broken. You can’t break something that’s not fixed. I’ll ignore things or avoid them, hoping they’ll get better on their own (they usually get worse). And I find myself drowning in the same ocean I was so desperately trying to escape.

In this whole process the broken pieces I’m trying to avoid, tend to prick me like thorns. I try to cover up my wounds with smiles as fake as unicorns. I will clench my teeth until they tear, but I won’t tell anyone what’s bothering me. I could be dying, but I won’t say a word. I’m wired all wrong, and I don’t know how to untangle myself.

I’m not scared of the action of commitment, more of the outcome. I guess I’m so scared of making the wrong choices that I’ve decided to not make a choice at all. I don’t want to get hurt, so I refuse to love. If I don’t love I won’t break. And if I don’t break, I’ll be strong. Easy Logic.

But no matter how hard I try, sometimes my feelings leak through me like a small crack in a dam, and I can’t hold it in anymore, and I explode and ache in all the wrong places.

To escape this cycle. I blame other people- my parents, siblings, friends, God, destiny, fate, my ancestors for not fighting off the British any sooner. Doesn’t make sense I know, but it makes sense in my mind.

The worst thing about all this is that in this whole process I tend to hurt those around me too. I break others in an attempt to heal. But in the end, all that’s left are just bruises that leave scars so deep no smiles can cover them up.

In my plea to avoid commitment I tend to avoid all the perks that come with it. Including the satisfaction of at least trying or the fruitful outcome or other open doors.

But I’m learning not to limit myself. I’m learning to let go. Learning to sew myself and create a quilt of soft memories. I’m learning to lean on commitment. To understand that bad things happen not because I’m bad, but because this is life and I am a human and humans tend to break, just as they tend to reform.

It’s hard though.

You’ll have to scratch yourself raw.

Crack yourself open, and you will cry.

You will bleed.

Ache.

But that’s how you’ll heal.

Patch up those holes, stitch your wounds, and mend your soul. You might do it wrong. You might miss a few steps. You might hurt yourself even more. But that’s how you learn. That’s how you grow. That’s how you rise.

So darling, stop over thinking.  Stop giving into “ifs” and “maybes”. Stop ruining your happiness because you’ve let your fears grow inside of you. Stop comparing yourself to other people: you have a light in you that people ache to touch. Stop listening to other voices because that voice in you has a melody no one can achieve.

Breathe. And live.

Advertisements

Failing Physics

It just seems like one of those awfully, odd days where you want to go and hide under a rock. But the only problem is that you can’t find a rock big enough to hide you. You feel exposed like everyone is seeing into your soul.

Interacting with anyone of any species seems like a burden. You feel like you’re in a zoo, and everyone else is human and you’re the only animal. No matter how hard you try you can’t disguise yourself. You’re scared that they’ll find out that you’re the only normal one.

I’m standing in front of the chemistry department in the huge line. The Asian girl with glasses in the front asks me how I did on the physics exam. I blankly stare at her.

Do I even know you? The thought passes my mind. She flashes me a smile, and I unconsciously do the same.

“Amazing” I lie to her. Twenty-four out of a hundred. I think my professor pitied me, so he gave me a whopping 20 points. Maybe he was too ashamed to give me a four. The exam wasn’t hard. I just blanked out. The sentences on the paper weren’t making sense to me. It was like all the letters were jumbled together and they were dancing on the paper. I tried to focus, but my eyes refused to reconcile with my brain. My hands were shaking, and I was trying so hard to concentrate, but the anxiety bubbling inside of me was spilling through my limbs. The walls were starting to close in on me, and I needed to leave the room and that’s exactly what I did. I wrote whatever popped into my mind on that exam paper and ran out of the class as fast as I could.

She looks at me in awe and smiles. “How do you study”? Her voice is cracking. I have the strong urge where I want to hug her and cry into her arms.

We’re both on the same boat girl.

“I got above average.” she sighs. Above average, you’re kidding me right. My sympathy for her vanishes, and I have that strong urge where I want to hang her. I could easily blame it on gravity-It pulled her down. She asks me more questions, and I answer them like a school child being scolded by a strict teacher. When she turns around I slip away from the huge line and run for the library. The b-2 floor. It’s stranded and empty. It’s the perfect place to plan a murder, or even to carry out one.

I slip in between the shelves, in the back and make myself as small as possible.

There’s still the final. The thought is comforting, but it doesn’t linger long enough. I find myself thinking about dropping out.

But it’s not the end of the world.

Well, maybe it is.

But you studied so hard and you knew all the answers then why didn’t you answer them?

Because you’re an idiot.

The thoughts are starting to haunt me, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to jam them back in my mind. I’m scared the pulsing headache will come back with shit loads of anxiety. I’m scared I’ll have a panic attack and go into my leave-me-alone mode.

So, I whip out my notebook with the doodles on the cover, and I write whatever comes to my mind. Poems, short stories, and every thought that is hovering in my head.

I’m late for my biochem class, but it doesn’t matter.

You’ll fail biochem too. The thought pops into my mind, but I force it back inside, where all my other pessimistic thoughts are gathered. Sometimes these thoughts find a small passage and they flow through, but I have to fight them, to keep them locked up inside. Most of my energy is wasted here- in these battles I’m fighting in my head. How possibly can I focus on anything else when my mind is a battlefield, and I’m fighting the girl looking back at me through the mirror.

But there’s hope. There is always hope. There has to be. Sometimes my hope vanishes beneath these taunting thoughts, but it always finds a way to the surface. It always rises, and I rise with it.

I can do this. How? I don’t know. But I can, and I will. The greatest victories start with will. Don’t they?

Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

A war between hope and despair

I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t speak.
“I understand,” she said kissing my cheek. “You don’t have to say a word. I know what is going on inside of you. The demons are stronger and they’re breaking through. You’re cracking because you’re losing your faith, but the sky is rumbling it’s calling your name. I know you’re afraid because you don’t know how to fly. Those voices in your head are making you cry. You’re breaking; I can see it through your chest. That organ pumping blood in your body won’t let you rest. I can feel the beat echo through my ears. You want to speak, but you’re afraid no one will hear. It’s getting dark inside; I can see your heart. You’re aching, your soul is ripping apart.”

She gently came and wrapped me in a warm cocoon. “Just swallow these pills, everything will be okay soon. You want to meet God and ask about all this. Death will be gentle, he’ll just give you a kiss. Everything will be over. You won’t have to fight. At the end of the tunnel, you’ll see a ray of light. No more panic attacks, no more fears. No more anxiety. No more tears. It’ll be over, and you won’t have to play pretend. It’s okay my love, everything will come to an end.”

I looked at her beautiful face, and then at those pills, she clenched in her fist. I didn’t want to die, but I was afraid to live. I had nothing to lose and nothing to give. I was dead inside, but my heart was still beating. I was losing and falling what was the point of breathing. Everything in life was a burden, what was the point of dying every day. Wouldn’t it be better to end it all today?

I extended my hand as I wrapped those pills in between my sleeves. I was tired of hoping. I was tired of those dreams. Maybe she was right, life would be better if I wasn’t even alive. I was tired of falling and sinking so low. If I was gone, no one would notice and maybe no one would know.

“No,” Hope said with a tattered voice as he stood in front of me blocking my view. “I know your hurting, but you have to pull through. This is your life and it’s your choice. Love how can you give up so easily when the war has just begun. You’re pulling your curtains just because you can’t see the sun. The clouds are heavy, I can feel the thunder. But you are a warrior and warriors don’t surrender. The ground is bleeding, and I can sense the blood. But darling how will you taste victory if you can’t embrace the mud. Things are hard, and they will get harder, but you mustn’t back down. If you leave the battlefield, you’ll lose your crown.

“But I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of bleeding. I’m tired of everything. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve lost all my battles and now I’m losing this war. I quit. I’m sinking to my knees. Go give hope to someone stronger and better than me. You don’t understand. These demons in my head won’t leave me alone. They’ve carved their way and now they’re making a home. These thoughts I’m running away from, say things would be better if I was gone. I don’t see my road or any reason to carry on. Look…others are better off than me. They’re climbing mountains while I can’t even stand on my feet. I’m sinking in this ground and I can’t seem to ascend. No matter what road I choose it brings me to a dead end. I don’t even know what I’m fighting for. I quit. I can’t do this anymore.

Hope gently knelt by my side. He lifted my head and said, “I know there are explosions erupting inside. I know you’re scared, and you’re afraid to fall. But you can’t rise if you don’t learn how to crawl. I know giving up seems easy because you can’t take the ache, but how will you reform if you don’t break? Without all this dirt on your skin, how will your journey ever begin? The dark clouds looming above your head will part someday and you’ll see the blue sky. Keep holding on. I promise you’ll get by. I know all you see is darkness, and the road ahead is filled with thorns. Your destination looks empty and your bridges are torn. You can’t open your windows, and there is a seal on your door. I know you can’t walk; your legs are sore. But you must try again and again; knock on every wall, whenever you can. So darling, throw those pills away, you’ve clenched so tight. If you want to see the sun, you’ll have to pass through this night. If you want to win this war, you’ll have to keep your head held up high. So darling, pick yourself up because no one will come and do it for you. If you had the courage to fight, then you should have the courage to pull through. Don’t you dare let those thoughts crawl into your mind? There will always be hope, just look inside.

Poetry book out now- Curing My Venom

Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

Thank you for your insults!

If you know I see dreams higher
than the sapphire alluring sky,
then why do you dig my grave
in your atrocious mind.

Stop tying me to these wounds
I’ll pull through all this pain.
Your hatred only gives me strength
to break free from these chains.

My flight has yet not left,
I’m dwelling my own demons,
the ones you planted in my desire
to keep me from my freedom

You’ve always pressed me down;
your laughs still echo in my ear.
They haunt me day and night
but remind me why I am still here

All your taunts trapped me
behind thick rusty bars of terror,
each day I would close my windows
wishing you could become better.

But I failed to realize that in me,
there’s a beauty you don’t see.
I’m elevating into victory,
where your harsh words won’t destroy me.

But now I’ve broken all those barriers,
the ones shackled in your disgust.
It was you who led me to this victory,
So, thank you for your insults.