Tag Archives: health

Giving into failure…

Do you ever become so tired of fighting that you willingly give into failure? You stab yourself in the back so no one else would have the chance to do it. You fall to your knees, clench your teeth as tightly as you can and scream until your own voice gives up on you and then you give up on yourself.

It’s like you accept failure even before you try. You give into defeat even before you start the war. You lower your weapons and your guard and wait for that blow and when it hits, it knocks the breath out of you. You become so helpless that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to rise. It’s like the ground has wrapped its arms around you and is pulling you down (and in this case, it’s definitely not gravity).

Why do we do this? Why do we let doubt cloud our judgments? Why do we accept defeat when the outcomes are infinite? Maybe because the thought of losing is worse than the actual loss. Maybe because it’s better to be prepared for the worse; it hurts less. Maybe we’re actually scared of winning, scared of not knowing what will happen. Maybe it’s the unknown that hurts. If we knew and we were a hundred percent sure that we would lose, it wouldn’t cause too much damage. But not knowing and having that tiny glint of hope is what makes us ache at the end.

But the thing no one has ever told me is that fighting isn’t always about winning. It’s about falling, crashing, bleeding and then rising and reforming. The bravest warriors don’t come out of war wearing a crown and a silk cloak. They come out in pieces. In ruins. In wrecks with tears spilling down their cheeks. They come out with wounds as big as the sky and cuts as deep as the ocean.

They’re torn and broken, but they manage to keep themselves together. These warriors don’t always win every war, but they make every war count. They learn from their fall and pick themselves up no matter how badly injured they are. They strike and plunge. Hit and ache, but they don’t give up. They find new ways. New paths. New strategies. They learn from defeat and fight until they have no option than to rise.

This is how life is. You won’t always win. You won’t always get your way. You’ll fall, just as you will rise. You’ll drown but that’s the only way you’ll learn how to float. It’s hard. I know. But the next time life drags you down and threatens you with all of its pawns. Smile. Look it in the eye and say, “bring it on.”

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Pexels

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Crying…

You know that awful feeling where you cry so much that you can’t seem to breathe, like the tiny molecules of oxygen are clogged in your throat, and no matter how hard you inhale you can’t get the air through your lungs. Your chest aches so bad that it feels like your insides are bleeding.

The organ pumping blood through your whole body gains a couple of hundred pounds, and you can’t bear the weight. It’s like everything in your bosom is about to explode, but it doesn’t, and like a ticking bomb you’re waiting for it to erupt. All you want is for everything to end. Your stomach starts to churn like someone is taking a blade and is slicing through your organs, causing internal hemorrhage. Your nose becomes stuffy, your cheeks become blotchy, and your eyes start stinging like someone is pouring acid in them.

The pounding headache is pulsing through your brain like a stick on a drum. Your temples are aching, and your shoulders become rigid. There’s a storm erupting in your mind, causing all sorts of damage that can’t be undone. The anxiety, the depression, the panic attacks all tear into you like needles piercing through a cloth.

You curl into a ball, press your knees against your chest and drown yourself beneath the sheets. The pillows get soaked, drenched in your tears. The world seems to zoom in and out, and everything around you becomes dark. So dark that even with so much light you can’t seem to see anything. Something human in you breaks. Your soul cracks apart, and there’s nothing you can do to rejoin yourself. A part of you that shined like the sun is now as dark as a pit of coal.

You want to feel something, but there is nothing in you except emptiness and that’s the worst feeling anyone can ever have. It’s like you’re plunging into this pit of nothingness. You’re waiting for the impact, but it doesn’t come. You want to crash so badly, to restart all over again, but there’s no beginning and no end because you’re trapped in between.

That feeling of nothingness just swallows you a whole. You want to be mad, angry, depressed. Feel something, but all you feel is a void in your chest growing with every passing second. Like a singularity up in space, you drown everything around you. Time, space, everything that is supposed to be, ceases to exist. You start losing a part of yourself that you know you wont ever recover.

Photo by Murilo Folgosi from Pexels

Insecurities…

You feel insecure
I can see it in your eyes
you look into the mirror
and you ask yourself why?

You don’t see a beauty
but a monster wearing a veil
hiding behind curtains
because you’re too afraid to fail

You don’t see your victories
or all those battles you’ve won
but you see that little flaw
and you say you’re done

You’ve hidden your smiles
beneath your frowns and complains
you touch the mirror
but then you jolt away

You want to be loved
so you look for comfort in someone else
how could anyone fall in love with you
when you don’t love yourself

You’re comparing your road and journey
to those people you see on tv
why don’t you look at your own path
because change always begins with ‘me’

You only see tears rolling down your cheeks
to the point that you’ve forgotten how to smile
you see those fit models
with their perfect skin and extravagant life styles

You feel useless
you use pen names, so you could hide
love you don’t have to look pretty
for your soul to shine

I know the person in the mirror
isn’t exactly what you wanted to be
so you close your eyes
and you pretend not to see

You’re so scared of losing
and taking the wrong step
you leave the battle field
and then you hide in regret

You scream and shout
and then you start to argue
you become the oppressor
to the person staring back at you

Your heart is aching
because you don’t know what to do
making a choice is hard
I know, I’ve been there too

But now,
I need you to look into the mirror
and open your eyes
say ‘fuck it all
it’s my turn to rise.’

Photo by Min An from PexelsCopy