Tag Archives: #discover

Marriage…

I attended a wedding last weekend. It was cool- they had food. They also had music so loud that I was afraid my ears would pop. They kinda did.

The bride was draped in her beautiful God-knows-how-much-dress and the groom was dressed in a tux. They looked cute together- I think. I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I would’ve paid more attention to my surroundings, but my heels were killing me or maybe I was killing them: either way it was terrifying.

I’m not the type of girl who likes to dress up, sit still and look pretty. I’m more of a comfortable, laid back, jumping-off-a-cliff type of a girl. I don’t know how to look elegant or sway people with my beautifully-unnoticeable lashes, but I do know how to build forts with pillows. I don’t know how to put make-up on, but I do know how to stuff crackers in my mouth without swallowing them.

The point I’m trying to make is that after attending the wedding I realized something important. I realized how socially awkward of a person I am. The fake smiles, the giggles, the anxiety, the wanting to run-away was all bubbling inside of me. I was consciously playing with my fingers and my dupatta and praying no one would notice me, but everyone did. I was self-conscious the whole time, wondering if people saw what I see in the mirror every day.

Being the bride is nerve-wrenching, not only because all the eyes are on you but because there is so much expected of you after the marriage ceremony. Be a good daughter at first, then be a good daughter-in-law. Good wife. Good mother. It’s hard to keep up with everything. And if anything goes wrong all the blame is thrown on the girl- as if the boy’s infidelity is her fault too.

I’m not saying marriage is captivation; sometimes, for some people, it can be liberation as well. I have a friend whose parents refused to let her go for a study abroad program because she was a girl, but now that she’s married she’s all over the place – enjoying the world by herself and sometimes with her husband. I know parents want to protect their daughters, but by doing so not only are they hurting them, but they’re pushing them away from themselves. In this, overprotection, they’re breaking beautiful souls. Sometimes it’s not even about protection, it’s about ‘what people will say.’ And let me tell you people don’t give a damn. They have their own issues to deal with, their own battles to fight. And if you do have the time to listen to what other people have to say, then you my friend, need a new hobby.

“Do this after your married.” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard this phrase. I want to travel – do it after your married and when your married – you should’ve done this before you were married.

I want to climb Mount Everest – do it after you’re married. I want to start a YouTube channel – do it after you’re married. I want to die – do it after you’re married. I want to conquer Bulgaria – do it after you’re married. Please explain this logic to me!

I have another friend of mine, who was carefree but now she’s confined to her house by her husband. She loves him a lot, and he loves her too, but if love could solve all the problems in this world then we wouldn’t have problems. Too much love is an obsession. It’s a problem in itself.

Life is a compromise and so is marriage. Sometimes you’ll have to bow, and sometimes you’ll have to rise- regardless of gender. Sometimes you’ll have to give up, and sometimes you’ll have to fight. You can’t choose your life or what life throws at you, but you can choose how you wish to react to it. Choose your battles wisely, or life will choose them for you. I wish I could say the same thing for life-partners but in this choosing process the heart screws us over.

You will never be like her…

She’s a garden of solace
with roses as sweet as honey
but you will never be like her.

She’s the ecstasy of desire
with blind intoxication
but you will never be like her.

She’s the warm breeze
among harsh winds of winter
but you will never be like her.

She has the treasures of knowledge
the mind of a genius
but you will never be like her.

She has the perfect lips
that warriors would fight for
but you will never be like her.

She is the brightness of the sun
casting rays of hope
but you will never be like her.

She has the confidence
of a thousand knights- ready for war
but you will never be like her.

She’s an image of perfection.
A wish. A want.
But you will never be like her.
Never.
Ever.

Look in the mirror
and you will see a worn-out dream
layered in residues of storms and gales
you’ll see a monster with skin
as old as time
and hair as wrenched
as the erupting volcanoes
you will see wounds smothered in darkness
and smiles as fake as blackened hearts.

Darling
you are not her
and you will never be.

She is the crescent moon
and you are a blemish.
She is the purity of the ocean
and you are a stain.

But love, It is okay.
It is alright. You don’t need to compare
your rays to someone else’s light.

Your imperfections are making you stronger.
But what I don’t understand
is that in a world where you can be anything
why would you want to be her?

Don’t smile at me like that…

Because looking into the depths of your eyes
makes the sky look so small
that I can measure it with just a glance
the way your lips part when you smile
makes the oceans melt
and I find myself sinking in your tides
the way your cheeks shine
make the stars blush and they disappear from the sky
the way you speak
makes all the languages of the world seem insignificant
the way your disheveled hair falls on your forehead
makes all the jungles in the world insecure
the way your lashes collide
makes the earth’s heart skip a beat
and the explosions puncture wounds through my chest
I am just a human
but if you could have that effect on nature
what will happen to me?
don’t smile like that
don’t look at me like that
because the day you do
I’ll disperse into a thousand tiny pieces.

Knocking on closed doors

Knock on every door you can!

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past two years, but every door I knock on either disappears or it turns to steel. I find myself pounding so hard on that steel door that my knuckles become bruised and my fingers start to bleed. Sometimes I even yell and scream and beg, hoping someone on the other end would help me, but no one ever does. I lose my voice, and sometimes my will in the process. But I don’t give up. I never give up.

I’ve lost count of how many doors I’ve knocked on, and I’ve become so desperate that I’ve knocked on doors that weren’t even mine. But they never open and sometimes the ones that are open, slam on my face and the path that was waiting for me just fades away. Like it refused to take me.

I’m running out of doors to knock on, and the worst part is that there are no windows. I’m trapped in this room and the air inside is becoming humid and the darkness is starting to settle in like it owns the place and there is nothing I can do.

Create your own doors.

I’ve tried, with hammers, rods and everything I could think of. I’ve used my own fingers to dig, but besides chipped nails and craggy skin, I haven’t gained much. I’ve tried everything I possibly could. From getting on my knees and begging, to creating earthquakes, but nothing I do makes a difference. It’s like success wasn’t meant for someone like me.

How much longer do I need to scream, yell, break and tear, for the doors to open, or for someone or something to open those doors for me.

People say when you want something the whole world comes together for you. But I disagree! When you want something from the depths of those veins and arteries lining through your body, the whole world conspires against you with all its might- like its challenging you to bow down.

You have to fight everything and everyone that comes in your way. Sometimes you have to fight your own self and the worst part is you don’t understand what’s more important: that part of yourself you’re destroying, or that unattainable dream you’re so desperate to chase.

I feel like that- like my options are running out. The door is stubborn, but so am I. If it refuses to move, then I refuse to give in!