Tag Archives: Blogger

Someone else’s dream

It took the earth 24 rounds around the sun for me to realize that I need to stop seeking people’s approval. That I need to start thinking and living for myself. That it’s okay if I make a mistake. It’s okay if I’m not perfect in every single thing that I do in life. That it’s ok for me to be human and act like one.

I’ve been too afraid to be wrong that I’ve missed so many opportunities life had to offer. I regret every second, every minute that I let fear control me like a puppet on strings. I regret it so bad that those same moments replay in my mind as nightmares when I’m asleep. But there’s comfort in knowing that I’m here. That I made it in one piece, or maybe in a thousand. But I’m still here. Breathing. Living. Existing. That I still have a chance to change things that are yet to happen in the future. The first step to solving a problem is to accept you have one. And mine is fear. It’s like instead of blood, fear pumps through my veins and clogs into my heart.

Life has so much to offer, but we don’t take those offers because we’re afraid that there might be a catch. That maybe if we take life’s offer life might take something from us in return. But why does that have to be a bad thing? Why is giving seen as something bad compared to receiving.

In order for you to gain something in life you have to first give. You must learn how to let go and how to surrender. I learned that when I was studying biophysical chemistry in college. I was holding onto a dream that wasn’t mine. A dream that everyone else had seen for me. A dream that I couldn’t see.

It was during a lecture on quantum mechanics that I realized I was stressing for all the wrong reasons. These tiny particle spinning around in circles, chasing each other did not put in the effort for me to be miserable. If electrons did as they pleased then why couldn’t I? The position of electrons depended on probability… wasn’t my life the same.

In that class I didn’t learn formulas or theories or hypothesis or names of scientists, I learned that suffering was inevitable. No matter what career pathway I choose in life I was bound to trip, bound to fall, bound to get hurt. But I also learned that I could choose my own suffering. I could choose how to fall and how to rise. How to tend to my own wounds.

Med school, being a doctor- as prestigious as it sounds wasn’t meant for me. Yes the title of Dr. is beautiful but the pathway that leads to it isn’t. That’s not the type of suffering I can deal with. I would most likely go crazy. Even if I do make it through med school, I know I’ll be miserable as a physician.

The probability of me being a successful writer is 1 out of a million and the odd that I would be that successful is low. But its something I can live with. I may not be making a shit tons of money and I may not have a Dr. label in front of my name. I might have to do part time jobs like I’m doing right now. I’ll have to face constant rejections. Maybe even cry rivers. But its something I can live with. Will I regret it? I don’t know? I’ll update y’all in a another ten years to let y’all know.

For someone special…

Leave the scent of your soul behind
I’ll follow it to get to you.

But don’t go too far
what if in search of you
I lose myself too.

Just stay close to me
hold my hand and help me rise
but don’t look at me like that
I’ll lose myself in your eyes

I don’t need a map
but a promise that you’ll always stay
how can I ever lose my road back home
when you’ve become my way?

I don’t need the sky
or the twinkling stars
because every path and journey I take
lead me back to where you are

You have a smile worth a thousand suns
and a glint of hazel beauty in your eyes
you have arms as wide as the horizon
and a soul as pure as the sky.

I wrote this for someone special. Someone who’s voice makes me smile. Someone who has beauty dripping from their soul. Someone who said I remind them of a joke….

Happy birthday same-same….

Why you held on for so long…

I’m doubting myself again
and I don’t know what to do
do I give up or do I pull myself through?

But the days are getting darker
and I don’t see the light
what’s the point of this crusade
when I can’t even fight?

The journey seems too long
and the mountains are too high
I’m sinking to the ground
yet I’m aiming for the sky.

I have wounds as thick as oceans
and bruises as dark as coal
how do I move ahead
when I don’t know where to go.

I don’t have a shield
or a cover above my head
I’m breathing and wheezing
but something in me is dead.

Don’t give up. Not now not ever.
remember why you held on for so long
doubt will only break you
but my love, I know you’re very strong.

Your wounds may be many
and you may be feeling down
but why are you afraid of falling
when you’ve risen from the ground.

Take a break
inhale. Victory is yours to kiss
I believe in you
I know you can do this.

Poetry book: Curing My Venom

POETRY: The blast and the little boy…

I don’t know if it was a dream
because it was something, I couldn’t believe.

I saw a boy with tears in his eyes
and fire burning his hope alive.

He quietly looked up and to God, he prayed
“please kill me once and not every day.”

I couldn’t watch so I ran and hugged him tight
I promised him it would be all right.

His fragile eyes looked into mine
his empty soul asked me “why?”

I had no answer to what he asked
he hugged me tight as we heard another blast.

We saw those people run as fast as they could
to get away from this rain of blood.

Shouts and screams now filled the air around
more bodies and guns fell to the ground.

Those people were broken, they had nowhere to go
they lost their dreams and now all their hope.

The little boy looked into my eyes and to me he said
“When will it stop, why won’t this end?
They burned my teachers and shot all my friends
they killed my dad and my mother’s now dead.
they tortured my brother until he couldn’t breathe
I just watched my sister beg on her knees.”

The little boy sobbed as tears rolled down his cheek
He choked on his words, as he tried to speak,
“I’m scared of those bullets and the bombs they hold
please tell them to stop so I could go back home
but why would you care, this isn’t your life
I’ll just tell God everything, and he’ll ask you why?”

He slowly moved back as bullets pierced through his head
he was right, no one helped him it was just all pretend.

He slowly faded away as I saw him smiling
“I’m already dead save someone else from dying
let go of your ego and don’t let pride come in your way
free these people let them live one more day
those leaders have power, they don’t care where you are
they divided you into groups and are making you fight their war
lend a hand, not to culture, religion or race
but to those people who have a past to erase.”

What he had said echoed somewhere in my mind?
Why were we killing if we wanted to survive?

Fire wasn’t on this land it was in those hearts
not another nation but humanity was burning apart.

Everything vanished and I knew it was a dream
but for the 10-year-old boy, it was real,
something I still couldn’t believe.

Picture: Pexels

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Being Anti-social

I’m anti-social. Sometimes. Depending on the people and the circumstance and the time and space and the atmosphere.

I’m semi anti-social or partial anti-social. Or maybe 3/4th anti-social. Or maybe 1/4th anti-social. But the point is that I’m anti-social regardless of how non-anti-social I want to be.

I get nervous around people I’m not used to. Unconsciously, I sink into that dark part of my brain that I dread going into because I drown in questions. Like why do you have that scar on your arm? Were you abused? Did you self-harm? Was it an accident? Why do you have that dark look in your eyes? Do you worship the devil? Does the devil worship you? It’s like I want to know everything about everyone. Maybe because it gives me a clear perspective of where I stand. Am I comparing myself to them? Maybe? Or maybe like Einstein, I’m generally curious about everything and everyone. Like why is chlorophyll green? Why are all the other colors absorbed but green reflected? Why freaking Green? Why not purple? Can we time travel if we travel at the speed of light? What is light? Is it just the absence of darkness? 

Got side-tracked: but when I meet new people or old people I’m not used to, I start observing them like test subjects. Experiment vs control- Where I am the control and everyone else is the experiment.  I notice their actions, the way they speak, the way they interact, the way they smile. I don’t know why I do this. Maybe because in my mind I see everyone as a threat and observing them makes the threat lessen. I honestly don’t know why this happens? It’s like my mind goes into this frenzy and then there’s chaos. Maybe there is some deep unconscious trauma that I can’t pinpoint. Maybe I just overthink which ends up making everything worse for myself.

Some people I meet are the kindest ever, yet I go into this mode. And the worst part is people think I’m creepy because I stare at them way too long or they think I’m showing superiority or attitude when honestly all I’m trying to do is make myself approachable and social.

Picture from pexels