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Period cramps…

Period…

Being a girl is hard.
Having to bleed once a month is even harder.

The cramps that come and tie knots in your stomach make you feel like you have daggers piercing through your skin. It’s like getting shot. The pain is so bad that you feel like your abdomen is about to rupture and you’ll die if the pain does not stop. And it doesn’t. It gets worse.

Along with the cramps you get that nerve wrenching headache that pounds and makes you think you have a crushed skull. It’s like someone has taken an expandable elastic and has tied it around your head- stopping all the blood from flowing through your brain.

The loss of appetite and the gaining of appetite the very next moment makes your insides churn. Am I eating because I’m hungry or am I eating because I’m in pain? Either way, it’s terrifying. The bloated stomach. The leg pain. The back pain. The chest pain. Pain, in general, is magnified a hundred percent. That tiny paper cut I got last year is throbbing and I’m sitting here crying because it hurt really bad twelve months ago.

The mood swings. Wanting to die at one moment and then feeling like Adele the very next. Feeling sad over a text message and then laughing about it the next hour, and then crying over it again the next day.

The worst part of all this is having to be picky about what you wear. I can’t wear that… it’s too light…What if an accident happens and I look like I just ran away from a murder scene. Imagine having to explain that to someone. Honestly, I’d rather confess to the murder.

Sweats and an oversized hoodie seem safe. They’re always safe for every occasion. Don’t feel like changing. BAM throw on a hoodie. On your period, strap on a hoodie.

The thought process behind it takes so much energy that you lose brain cells while losing blood cells. Literally. And I don’t have many of either.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe I can’t compare period cramps to being shot because I’ve never been shot. Maybe I’m annoyed by the fact that I can’t explain to people (ahem men) how bad it can get sometimes. Imagine sitting in physics class, minding your own business, taking down notes on quantum mechanics when a throbbing headache rips through followed by a wave of cramps. Forget about Quantum mechanics, in that state you forget how to add.

Now the pulverizing thoughts that swirl through your mind. Do I have a pad/tampon? What if I don’t? Maybe I’m hallucinating. Where am I gonna get a pad from?

And no, I don’t become a savage beast like the wolves do in fantasy movies when the full moon rises. I become worse. Stay fifteen feet away from me before I chew off your head and eat it raw. I’m joking. Yes, I get irritated and annoyed, but after a few hours, I return to my natural form. (Now my natural form is a mess and that’s a different story).

But having cramps is not fun. If your mom or sister or wife or friend is having cramps. Leave her alone… trust me you’ll be doing her a favor. Or you can be nice and get them hot chocolate or coffee (or maybe a ticket to the Maldives) and just ask, ‘if there is anything you can do to make things better.’ Trust me words have more power in them than actions do.

Back to the starting point

Do you ever have those moments where everything that could go wrong, goes wrong? Where you’re trying so hard to understand what role you had to play in this destruction, but you can’t seem to find any. Where the sky breaks apart, and you’re just standing there wondering why things are happening the way they are. The land beneath your steps shakes like an earthquake, and you plunge straight down in the core of the earth.

Everything you stood up for comes tumbling down. All the things you did in life replay like a movie, and you’re counting every single memory wondering if you ever did anything wrong to deserve this. And you find so many flaws and loopholes in this small life of yours that you accept everything that is happening because you deserve it. Because you’re an inconvenience in a world that is supposed to be perfect. Because you’re a blemish in the face of beauty.

That’s how I feel right now. Like a huge chunk of my chest is missing, and I don’t know where it is. Like there’s a hole in my heart, and all the happiness is leaking through; I can’t seem to keep it in no matter how hard I try.

Like water, contentment is flowing through the gaps in between my fingers and no matter how hard I try to grasp it, I can’t seem to hold it in. All I have are empty palms, and I keep looking at them in hopes that they’ll miraculously be filled. But they never are.

It’s this odd feeling of emptiness that takes away so much energy. Like you’re trying to create happiness from whatever source you can, but it’s time-consuming and it’s hard. It’s like forcing a lump of coal to transform into a diamond. It’s like forcing the sun to come out at night.

It’s hard fighting this emptiness, so you give in to this feeling of despair because the war you’re fighting isn’t worth the damage. But the most ironic thing is that no matter how hard you try to avoid being injured, you end up with wounds so deep that no salve can cure them. The war you’re trying to avoid is forcibly kissing you on the lips.

I guess life has a way of dragging you back to the starting point. Maybe because the road you were taking wasn’t yours to take. Maybe the victory you dreamt of wasn’t in your destiny. Maybe your whole direction was wrong, and life is trying to point you to a path that has your name written on it.

But we’re stubborn. We refuse to see what we can’t comprehend. Sometimes the only thing we can do is have faith. Have hope. Believe. Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you run after it, the more it’ll fly away. Just stay still. Be calm, and happiness will come to you, and it will settle down in between your palms on its own.

Picture from Pexels

Failure an old friend

Think of failure as a bitter herb
you had to drink to get to where you are
because without all these setbacks
you wouldn’t have come this far.

Don’t stress over losing
because this loss was only meant to fuel your desire
why do you look at the sky
when you were born to go higher?

So rub this filth
sinking through your bones
little pebbles can’t break you
because you’re made of stone.

Stop whining and stop complaining
and get back on your knees
you have oceans to sail and mountains to climb
so don’t you fucking give up on me!

Failure, an old friend
Poetry book: Curing My Venom

Read Lou’s review on Curing My Venom

Photo by Tom Swinnen from Pexels

Please don’t be Muslim!

Another shooting …

‘Please don’t be Muslim’
the thought echoes in my mind
the man was white
but Muslims in a mosque have died.
For a moment there’s relief
at least people won’t blame hijabs and beards
at least when I walk down the street
I won’t be feared.

But as the thought sinks in
and I go through the news
the shooter wasn’t a terrorist
but an angelic soul who was lost
and didn’t know what to do.
He had a troubled past
and more excuses will be thrown
Muslims are an issue
let’s finish this problem
by using guns and drones.

I hate myself for thanking God
that the shooter wasn’t someone of my kind
but why should it matter who killed
because at the end innocent people have died.

As a Muslim, I’m not only a danger
but now I’m in danger as well
why fear the universe
when the world has become a living hell?

Because of a few
we all have to pay a price
if I could take off my skin and my ethnicity
I promise I wouldn’t think twice.

Maybe if I was a few shades lighter
or maybe if I altered the way I dress
the world would be accepting
and I wouldn’t be oppressed.

At first, I was scared of walking down the street
because I was afraid people would blame me for the bloodshed
now I’m terrified someone would come
and shoot me because of this thing I’m wearing on my head

We’ve closed our borders
our hearts and now our eyes
we’re offended by brand names
by celebrities
but not when someone dies.

Those people in that mosque
in that school
in that church
in that club
in that train
in that state
they all died because of someone else’s hate.

I’m not disappointed
none of us are
we’ve become immune to all this fuss
in a few days
we’ll forget everything that’s happening around us.

We’ll morn for a few days
and we’ll walk and crowd the streets
Then after a few months
we’ll watch this vicious cycle repeat.

But why should it matter if someone is
Hindu,
Sikh,
Christian,
Buddhist,
Muslim
or Jew
why can’t we just exist
without dividing the world
between me and you

‘We need stricter gun laws
regulations
marches
and prayers to solve this issue.
but maybe….
a little Humanity would do the job too.

Insecurities…

You feel insecure
I can see it in your eyes
you look into the mirror
and you ask yourself why?

You don’t see a beauty
but a monster wearing a veil
hiding behind curtains
because you’re too afraid to fail

You don’t see your victories
or all those battles you’ve won
but you see that little flaw
and you say you’re done

You’ve hidden your smiles
beneath your frowns and complains
you touch the mirror
but then you jolt away

You want to be loved
so you look for comfort in someone else
how could anyone fall in love with you
when you don’t love yourself

You’re comparing your road and journey
to those people you see on tv
why don’t you look at your own path
because change always begins with ‘me’

You only see tears rolling down your cheeks
to the point that you’ve forgotten how to smile
you see those fit models
with their perfect skin and extravagant life styles

You feel useless
you use pen names, so you could hide
love you don’t have to look pretty
for your soul to shine

I know the person in the mirror
isn’t exactly what you wanted to be
so you close your eyes
and you pretend not to see

You’re so scared of losing
and taking the wrong step
you leave the battle field
and then you hide in regret

You scream and shout
and then you start to argue
you become the oppressor
to the person staring back at you

Your heart is aching
because you don’t know what to do
making a choice is hard
I know, I’ve been there too

But now,
I need you to look into the mirror
and open your eyes
say ‘fuck it all
it’s my turn to rise.’

Photo by Min An from PexelsCopy