“You wouldn’t feel anything. Isn’t feeling nothing better than feeling pain and anguish.”
“You don’t have to put up with any of this.”
“Why don’t you just let it end?”
These thoughts are silent, but sometimes they whisper, and that whisper gets so loud that an echo forms in my brain and I repeat those same thoughts like a chorus in a concert.
Sometimes I find myself debating in my own head. Having a full-on conversation with that voice. Weighing out my pros and cons like this is an actual solution I have. As if that malice voice has a point.
What gets me mad is the fact that I actually listen to those voices. That I give them importance. That I let them filter through. These thoughts scare me. They seem blasphemous and I can’t bring them to the tip of my tongue. How dare I say such profanity.
What would I tell people? No one would understand. So, all I do is stay silent and wait for the storm to pass. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it lingers above my head like a blade. Those days are the worst.
Depression is not an easy thing to deal with. It’s not a switch or a flip for you to turn on and off when you please. It’s not sadness or boredom. It’s that feeling that mocks you and nags you but makes you feel so hopeless that you can’t get out of bed. Even opening your eyes in the morning seems like a burden. Sometimes all you want to do is curl into a ball and hide under your blankets and stare into empty space because that seems like a better option then fighting with your thoughts.
You’re terrified to be left alone, because you don’t know when those thoughts will overpower you and you’ll scum beneath their weight. When you’ll make an impulsive decision. Having people around keeps you grounded. It shows you that people around you care. Sometimes you need a reason, and I think mine is the people I love. Their love might not be visible or opaque, but I know it’s there.
But don’t ever wait for the storm to pass all by yourself. Sometimes these storms can cause too much irreversible damage. It’s okay to seek refuge. It’s okay to ask for help.
And remember that if anyone ever needs your help, do not shy away. You don’t know what baggage someone may be carrying or what monsters they might be fighting. Be the kindness you need from others.