I don’t feel hopeless.
But neither do I feel hopeful.
I feel nothing at all.
And I don’t know what to do. I think the worst moments in life are when you feel completely numb. When your brain just shuts off to everything, including pain. Pain is good, because at least with pain you feel something. You feel an ache, a pinch, which is an indication that you’re alive.
But right now, I feel nothing. It’s like my body is a black hole and every emotion just passes through. I can’t grasp on to anything. I can’t even cry. My mom always tells me that crying is good. When a child is born the first thing it does is, it cries. It breathes and because of that the doctors know it’s alive. Pain is like that too. The more you feel, the more you know you’re alive.
I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s like that human part of me that’s supposed to connect with people is broken, and I can’t mend it no matter how hard I try. But that’s the thing. That human connection is very crucial. It’s important because it makes you human.
The only thing I can do is stare into empty space and do absolutely nothing. I have things piling up, due dates approaching but it’s like I’m the calm before a storm. I’m focusing myself to write right now. I spent the past two hours staring at the empty screen on my laptop.
Do you ever feel so hopeless that hope scares you? Have you ever been so sad that happiness terrifies you? That’s where I am right now.
But my husband tells me every day that life isn’t a destination. It’s a journey. And I’ll make it through. And it’s because of these people around me, this human connection that I fight every day. I pull myself out of bed and face those demons I couldn’t win over yesterday or the day before that.
I’m a grown adult, but sometimes all I need is for someone to hold my hand and tell me I’ll make it through. That voice seems more truthful than my own.
So today if you’re feeling like that. Like life is all F***ed up, and you can’t seem to make it through. If it feels like it’s getting darker and the sun isn’t shining. If it feels like there’s no point of life remember you aren’t alone. There’s this crazy woman that lives in a small town in New Jersey, USA, that’s just like you.
If you need a hand, I promise I’ll lend you mine. If you need a shoulder, I promise you can lean on mine. If you need ears you can borrow mine. I know how it feels to feel alone and lonely even if loving people surround you. You aren’t alone. This isn’t my fight, now it’s our fight. Be brave because the world out there is scary. But also be kind because the world isn’t. One small gesture by you can make all the difference. Kindness is very contagious. Please pass it on.