Losing the ability to feel

I don’t feel hopeless.

But neither do I feel hopeful.

I feel nothing at all.

And I don’t know what to do. I think the worst moments in life are when you feel completely numb. When your brain just shuts off to everything, including pain. Pain is good, because at least with pain you feel something. You feel an ache, a pinch, which is an indication that you’re alive.

But right now, I feel nothing. It’s like my body is a black hole and every emotion just passes through. I can’t grasp on to anything. I can’t even cry. My mom always tells me that crying is good. When a child is born the first thing it does is, it cries. It breathes and because of that the doctors know it’s alive. Pain is like that too. The more you feel, the more you know you’re alive.

I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s like that human part of me that’s supposed to connect with people is broken, and I can’t mend it no matter how hard I try. But that’s the thing. That human connection is very crucial. It’s important because it makes you human.

The only thing I can do is stare into empty space and do absolutely nothing. I have things piling up, due dates approaching but it’s like I’m the calm before a storm. I’m focusing myself to write right now. I spent the past two hours staring at the empty screen on my laptop.

Do you ever feel so hopeless that hope scares you? Have you ever been so sad that happiness terrifies you? That’s where I am right now.

But my husband tells me every day that life isn’t a destination. It’s a journey. And I’ll make it through. And it’s because of these people around me, this human connection that I fight every day. I pull myself out of bed and face those demons I couldn’t win over yesterday or the day before that.

I’m a grown adult, but sometimes all I need is for someone to hold my hand and tell me I’ll make it through. That voice seems more truthful than my own.

So today if you’re feeling like that. Like life is all F***ed up, and you can’t seem to make it through. If it feels like it’s getting darker and the sun isn’t shining. If it feels like there’s no point of life remember you aren’t alone. There’s this crazy woman that lives in a small town in New Jersey, USA, that’s just like you.

If you need a hand, I promise I’ll lend you mine. If you need a shoulder, I promise you can lean on mine. If you need ears you can borrow mine. I know how it feels to feel alone and lonely even if loving people surround you. You aren’t alone. This isn’t my fight, now it’s our fight. Be brave because the world out there is scary. But also be kind because the world isn’t. One small gesture by you can make all the difference. Kindness is very contagious. Please pass it on.

21 thoughts on “Losing the ability to feel

  1. The times when I thought that I was supposed to feel bad and shall feel guilty for feeling good or even made myself feel bad because then it would seem right. My cat dragged me away from it and makes me feel good about myself because she sometimes even lies down right next to me. She needed my connection and I hers and of course from people all around the world.
    But there are still times when I look outside the window and it feels as if I look at a blank screen or a simulation in which the same days happen over and over again. Not necessarily to me, but those around me. And that scares me. Especially when it really seems to get darker and even the night sky is pitch black sometimes, no stars, no moon, just nothing, maybe clouds.
    And then there were some cats and all of a sudden it was less scary.
    – No I don’t try to get you into buying or adopting yourself a cat (in case you don’t already have one) it is just what helped me with it. People often scare me and I also might scare them, but lying down on the floor next to my cat, looking into her eyes, touching her paw, it is somehow magical, although just a basic thing. Sometimes it feels as if she is more human than cat and I am more cat than human. Or something like this. ^^
    It is always good to have some “crazy” woman out there with ears to hear and shoulders to lean on or maybe crazy cat or man. If all the “crazy” women in the world would come together, I guess they wouldn’t feel all that crazy and alone anymore.
    I think as long as I can cheer up my mother a little and help her with the things in the house, it might make her and me happier and the cat as well. But when I feel numb, it sometimes seems and feels as if my veins are open and I am bleeding out, but when I look, of course I don’t, but it scares me because I imagine that someone might have died like this that moment. And each one is one too many, one who shouldn’t have gone and should have been somewhere safe and not alone, not feeling alone. ❣️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love everything about you! Cats are amazing and beautiful! I always wanted one and hopefully in the future I will get one. You’re right sometimes we need a connection and it’s okay to get that connection from where ever you can… whether its from animals or humans. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. This is relatable. I’d just like to share this in response to your poem:
    ‘I have been told, sometimes, the most healing thing to do-
    Is remind ourselves over and over and over
    Other people feel this too’
    -The Nutritionist by Andrea Gibson
    Take care and I hope things gets better ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. So sorry you are feeling this way, but I completely understand. It’s the most awful thing when you are unable to feel anything, when you just feel dead inside. It’s some time since I felt that bad and I don’t remember what brought me out of it. I think if I stopped taking anti-depressants I might fall back in the hole. I’m afraid to try. Therapy was a help too, I suppose. But everyone is different. Sadly we live in very depressing times. I try not to think too far ahead, looking instead to a beautiful sunny day, the birds outside my window, my cats, of course and music, the great healer for me. You are certainly not alone. I only wish I could help you to feel better. For what it’s worth I send understanding and empathy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m terrified of therapy! It scares me a lot… and so do meds. I try to get by the day but sometimes it becomes hard and unbearable and it’s too much to handle. Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock waiting for it to pass by…but it moves so slowly… I completely understand how you feel and that’s okay. Do what helps you heal. Do what ever you need to reach a safe haven. This is your battle and no one will come and fight it for you…. I’ve learned that the hard way…. I will pray for you! But please keep me in your prayers too ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “It’s like my body is a black hole and every emotion just passes through.”

    I’ve described falling into these emotions as a black hole before many times to myself, and to see someone else comparing it to the same thing is just, wow! Someone actually gets it. As much as I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel the same, at least we are not alone, we never are. 🖤

    “Do you ever feel so hopeless that hope scares you? Have you ever been so sad that happiness terrifies you?” This. You gave this feeling words. So succinctly, yet so accurately, beautifully. But sometimes, we must overcome that fear in order to reach the greener, sunnier side.

    Sending lots of hugs and love your way! You are amazing, and if you ever need to talk I’m here. 🤗🤗🖤🖤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I need your cheeks to squeeze bcs that last paragraph was super cute and sweet~🙈🥲 well i’m feeling like that for days now, numb or better lost as well bcs thinking abt it it’s not like i’m exactly happy or sad but sth in btw also sth i can’t identify lol i’m lost myself ~🤣 Thank you for sharing dear!! Also if you need a hand a shoulder or an ear, i’m here and totally available for you~ 🙈💕💕💖🌸

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Every time I search your blog to read to feel a little better, why does everything seem SO RELATABLE? It seems that you know what’s in my heart, yet I’m unable to write or do justice with my feelings. Loosing the ability to feel or the numbness you’ve talked about is so real! Especially in times like these, I don’t know what to do, what to say or whom to speak. But I think together we can pull it off, by encouraging each other with words, catching up on each other I hope? Because honestly, the world outside is too harsh, too selfish!
    Lots of love and dua’as your wayy!!!💖🌻💕

    Liked by 1 person

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