Why I write

Ever since I was young, I remember always being pushed back. I remember being behind the curtains and never on the front line. I remember being scared of love and affection. Everything was always about my cousins and how beautiful their drawings are, and how cute they look. That made me very insecure. I love my cousins but sometimes adults do things that affect children in all the wrong ways, and when you confront them, they make up excuses. How can I have a positive outlook now, when I didn’t have that as a child.

I was a shy kid and I still kinda am- minus the child part. But I feel like instead of helping me come out of my shell everyone just shoved me back in. I can’t remember anyone ever encouraging me on the things that I liked to do. So, I simply moved away from them and created my own little universe. That’s when I started writing. The things I couldn’t say to people, I would say to my notebooks. If I was angry, happy, annoyed, mad, surprised I would write it all down. I still do that. I’m bad at communication. So, I write it down and sometimes I email or text what’s going on in my mind to that specific person. This is where majority of my poems come from. They’re words I can’t say to ‘people’ directly so I write them.

I don’t know if its childhood trauma or trust issues or the fact that no one listened to me as a child but even now I have trouble talking to people. Letting out my emotions. Saying what’s on my mind. I dislike this about myself, but I can’t seem to get out of it. I feel like I could write a 90,000-word page novel telling people how I feel, but I can’t come and say what’s on my mind directly.

Yes, there is resentment and a lot of anger. I know holding onto grudges and complaining won’t do much for me. But that’s how I started writing. Every novel, story, poem I write has an aspect of me in it. Some characters are real people, some incidents are real, but from another perspective.

I write because I can’t speak.  It’s that simple…

40 thoughts on “Why I write

  1. I relate very well to what you’re conveying. I wouldn’t get rid of any of ugliness from our past lives, I’d simply convert it…by writing as you become who you should’ve been all along. That’s my plan and I’m really starting to enjoy it. I wish you great sucess whatever you decide to do…because now “You’re the boss” and the front line.

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  2. Perfectly said, I mean written.
    I also often tried to talk to “people”, but it usually ends in similar ways.
    But I made some progress, I guess. Because I went through the curtains and fell through the world.
    I don’t know about you, but I like to watch waves of the ocean (when I was there at rare moments). To walk through forests and old places. And I am writing because the voice which I suppress, wanted out. And if anything, then at least it made you less alone. At least I hope you are less alone now, in a good way. And the story with the knife and your grandmother, I liked to read it. But I know that “like” is probably the wrong word. I don’t know. But your presence is give hope, as weird as it might seem. Depression and hope. You are facing it and therefor you should be proud, at least I am proud of you. What you are writing is honest, at least as honest as possible. And when it comes to me, then you are a voice of hope, peace and freedom. Even if you might think differently. But I don’t know, I just wish (for) you the best!

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    1. Oh I feel you! I like watching the waves too and I love long walks in the jungle! Your words of encouragement have had a huge impact on me! Thank you for the kind words. I hope, like your words have given me encouragement I hope, I can encourage people too!

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  3. Yes, Rinum What you write is something that lots of people hold inside of themselves. By writing as you say it allows you to write what you can not say. I am impressed with everything you just wrote. I also agree with you when a child is ignored and does not receive the attention they should have as a child it does cause internal strife. I find praying for answers and doing what I want to do as working and being friends with others is the way out to a great degree. Keep going forward you are doing amazingly well Rinum !

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  4. Keep writing. I can relate a little – about writing what you can’t say. For me writing has helped so much and I’m starting to get brave enough to say some things out loud too. Hopefully it will be that way for you eventually too.

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  5. I think it’s so important to have an outlet – blogging/writing is great for people who want to express things they find too difficult to talk about directly, or can’t talk about, with others. It’s interesting, I was always afraid about speaking up too. I use to have these arguments with my dad in my head where I’d say everything I wish I had, but never did. He wasn’t the only person either. There were bullies at my school where I did the same. I got so good at thinking about what to say and how to say it – I started writing them down as well. I think this is a big reason why I write today. Thanks for sharing 🙏

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  6. Thanks for such a beautiful sharing….your writings are amazing….they come from your heart….writing is therapeutic….the things you aren’t able to say directly, you do it through your writings….keep doing that….like you said, it’s your universe….you’re the universe….I write poetry to express how I feel….even though I’m expressive & I say what I feel….but poetry helps me to look deeper….to see what’s going on with me….in me….how I’m affecting my surroundings….including my family…and how I get affected….writing is definitely therapeutic….just like any other form of art…so at one level, I do connect with you….keep expressing….keep connecting….keep writing ✨

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  7. I totally relate to everything like i dnt know but feels like you are another version of me letting out stuff i never could share so i still hide behind my poems and narrate them all~ i just love you alot bcs you are brave enough to share this and let many realise their wrong doings and also for some like me-at least- they know someone relates and they weren’t alone in this~ i always felt my emotions are worthless like sad, annoyed, mad … as if i didn’t have the human priviledge of stating those feelings like they would always compare me or comment like “ha this isn’t something to be sad about” like why do i feel sad about it then? It’s bcs i feel sad abt it and it’s bcs i’m the type of person to feel sad about that particular thing and i’m not a copy of you … now i wish i realised this earlier but it took me rivers of tears and yrs of worry and hesitation and i can finally say i’m turtle slow recovering but i’m happy bcs i’m escaping the dilemna of worrying all the time ! now i only care for those who care and i answer to those who comment on my emotions and sometimes even confront them or somtimes the little evil inside will let a giggle like “what do you know and how much do you know about me?” and i would just act as if i didn’t hear them, i’m doing all sorts of things but never allowing myself to mill ppl’s words again at all~ sorry for this long comment and i hope you find your way out so soon dear~ lots of love to you dear Aisha~ 🙈💝💖

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    1. Oh Yiena! Thank you for your heart felt comment… You’re so right! we’re like twins living in different parts of the world with the same story! I’m a turtle too and I guess some things just take time… I’m still trying to get there! I hope one day I can get to that stage where people’s words would make no difference to me!

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      1. I love the part “we are twins living in different parts of the world” it really makes me close to you and i’m loving it honestly 🙈 well, just believe that strangers’ words should never hurt you bcs they never know that much abt you really so they are just talking bcs they have a tongue! Close ppl’s words’ hurt best and i know the pain from experience and it had me question myself numerous times “why do they say this and that? It’s me whom they should ask bcs it’s me the person they are talking abt…~” but ppl never do and they always choose the shortest way and rarely like super rarely when someone tries to understand so ppl easily judge … hence, you should never take ppl seriously bcs if you feel something you are correct so surely sth is wrong and that’s why you are feeling that way otherwise it would have been super easy to just move on bcs everyone likes a shortway so you have right to your feelings and no one have the right to belittle them and so this kind should be kept away bcs you just need the right ppl then! Ones who would give you time and listen bcs they truly care and if you have one or two in your life cherish them bcs they are gold~ 🙈 (sorry for this long comment dear 😭🙈) Lots of love to you dear Aisha~ 💝

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      2. Oh Yiena, your comment always makes me smile and I read it to my husband! The one thing I’ve learned is to never ignore your emotions no matter how weak/strong they are. The moment you start doing that you’ll lose meaning. Your feelings need to be validated. so validate them yourself. You have a very pure heart Yiena… Hopefully InshaAllah it stays that way ❤

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      3. And yes i learnt also to protect myself against corruption, like it’s easy to loose your purity when you happen to have all this negativity in your life but then i thought that life is abt this, life is a challenge where you have to walk through this journey and at the end keep the pure person that God made in you …it’s heart warming that you read my comment to your husband! That means alot dear~ 🙈💝 And yes hopefully In sha Allah soon you will overcome all of this bcs you are on the correct way~ Thank you so much dear~ 💝🌸🙈

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  8. Sometimes what we create is a way to deal with bullies. I heard that when someone asked J.R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones, why so many died and often grisly deaths, he said he’s been teased as a child. He said his way of coping was imagining all the ways he would make the bullies pay.

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