Refusing to quit the race

“Tell me how you feel?”
you ask me so calmly that I find my tongue slipping
I open my mouth
but instead the tears start dripping.

I want to tell you everything,
but I’m afraid of this internal storm
I shake my head
because the words don’t seem to form.

I stare ahead wishing
you could look into my eyes
and see all those wounds
I’m trying so hard to hide.

But instead you ask me more questions
and I have no answer
the anxiety starts spreading through my body
like cells of cancer.

Listen to my silence
because I can’t bear the eruption
that’s about to begin
don’t you see these marks of self-harm
etched all over my skin.

It’s all a cry for help
all this ache is making me weak
I have so much to say
But I can’t seem to speak.

You look through me
And then you make me regret
I’m drowning in myself
Don’t you see this threat?

It’s easy for you to say
it’s all in my head
but sometimes I feel like
everything would be better if I was dead.

I’m infected,
because what I’m going through
is worse than any disease
I don’t think I’m okay
won’t you come and save me please.

I wish I could show you
the churning in my stomach
and the thudding in my brain
the rushing of blood
and the unseen pain.

I wish you could see the monsters
ripping through my breast
the drying of my throat
and the panic in my chest.

Sometimes I will bite down my tongue
and clench my teeth to tell you I’m okay
but in my mind like a lunatic
I’m counting all my days.

You say I look so pretty
because I’ve lost so much weight
but you don’t understand
I was fighting against my own fate.

I have heavy bags under my eyes
and I tell you I’m stressed
but you act like it’s alright
because you don’t see me bleeding from my chest

Everything will be okay
you give me your views
but you can’t say that
because you haven’t walked in my shoes.

“You should pray more,” you say
“get down on your knee,”
but I guess God doesn’t want to
listen to someone like me.

The world isn’t a bundle of roses
and sweet loving kisses
you don’t understand that someone like me
wasn’t made for a world like this.

I can’t explain myself to you
so, I’ll swallow my words
and force a smile on my face
I don’t think I’ll make it
but at least remember me
as the girl who cried and died
but refused to quit the race.

10 thoughts on “Refusing to quit the race

  1. This was a very deep and honest.
    It reflects what I felt like when I couldn’t speak about what was going on inside me.
    I still can’t really talk about it all and I also feel similar to what you describe. For me it is this way, that I, while often only seeing this big black hole of life, I know that I can save or help others like me. Even if it is just a couple of words, a heart or just listening, a knowing act of love. Because what we didn’t get here, we can give or try to give those like us. We see the mistakes and so we can help fixing them. Because I know, that for myself I probably wouldn’t fight as much, but if I would someone else who is in a similar situation, I would do all possible to help.
    This deep experiences which haunt us, break or broke us, they might stay for a while, maybe forever. But without them, I wouldn’t be able to understand other people, wouldn’t be able to support them or at least try to help. The world is indeed no “bundle of roses
    and sweet loving kisses”, but still, at least we know. Might be able to help the others. Someone who never experienced something like this, can’t understand it and might make it worse through positivity without actual care. Your scars are battle scars. Oh and how I wish my brain would be destroyed sometimes. My whole existenced wiped out, but the people I met, I gave them what I never really had. Brave of you to open up! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was very heart warming! Know that you aren’t alone… we’re in this together. Do what ever helps you heal. The demons in our minds can get very aggressive- I know that feeling. but you’re strong and brave and that’s all that matters.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ow! Rinum, I hope this is creative poetry and not reflective of how you are feeling about yourself. If it is, Please Consider talking with a therapist, who can see “the monsters ripping through your chest.” Please, there are many of us out here who, knowing you through your writing, care for you. Dr. Bob

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This post sounds very very depressing. I hope all is well with you dear Rinum.

    Never ever in life underestimate the power of Dua and the Might of Almighty. He is all forgiving and all hearing. It is just we who do not know how to ask Him. Never Ever Ever think that He doesn’t want to listen to someone like you. Allah Ta’ala is so Merciful that He it is just one time that we say a single word saying Forgive Me and He will forgive us for no matter what in earth have we done and how many countless sins we have committed.
    Allah Taala ki rehmat se kabhi Mayoos nahi hona chaahiye. Allah Taala ka waada hai ke Wo sunta aur beshak Wo Uska kaha bilkul sach hai. Wo Allah hai Wo jhoote waade nahin karta. Just believe in Him and with full in Almighty make dua and I am sure he will listen to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sending many many warm hugs to you dear~ 🙈 just know if someone hates you another loves you because it can’t be that you are not loved as dark never exists without light … i hope you get what i’m trying to say~🤓 please stay safe~🥰💝

    Like

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