I am not special

I’m a disgrace.
A flaw.
An error.

I know this because I’m not a doctor, or lawyer or an engineer. I have a bachelors in biochemistry but besides that, I’m nothing special. I come from a degrading, toxic culture that praises career as if it’s a rank. As if it’s a cast. And according to that cast, I’m an untouchable. I belong on the bottom of the pyramid.

Even before I was born, probably when I was in my mother’s womb, my parents decided that I would be a doctor. It was tattooed with invisible ink on my forehead, so everyone could see. Everyone did, except me.

Ever since I was young, I had the words rehearsed and whenever someone would ask me what I wanted to be I would smile and say “doctor.” The word sounded sacred like my saying it would make the oceans part or the sky would unveil and would pierce through. I never knew what a doctor was, but in my overactive imagination, as a child, it was close to something divine. Something that was as powerful as a magician. As strong as a beast.

I was convinced that if I was a doctor, I could be equivalent to a revolutionary, who had authority and could win people’s hearts. I made myself believe that I wanted to be a doctor. That it was something I was destined to be. And maybe if I hadn’t gone through that downhill/midlife crises, (I go through that every month), I would’ve been in Med-school right now probably doing my rotations.

I don’t exactly know what pulled me away from the Med-track, but I couldn’t stand taking another science class. It was like I was dragging myself through every hour of college as you do to your body when it’s tired and you have to make it to the finish line. Don’t get me wrong, I love science. Physics is very intriguing. It makes you think outside of the box, where you’re just a puzzle in a maze that’s part of a bigger puzzle. I love chemistry too. Knowing that I’m made up of carbon and hydrogen, yet I have the ability to think for myself and reason. Biology has always been my weakest subject, besides gym in high school of course.

I guess I need to change my own mindset first to change the mindset of others. I am embarrassed to tell people that I’m an author and a blogger. Yes, I’m looking into research, preferably clinical or STEM cell research, it’s not as superior as having a doctor in front of your name. Sometime in the oddest of all times, I have that strong desire to get back into the medical field, but that feeling lasts as long as my nap does. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what I want like Van Gogh, the painter when he was twenty-four. Life shouldn’t be counted in years and you definitely shouldn’t do something because others want it, or because it’s trending.

Sometimes the biggest obstacle we face is the person staring back at us through the mirror. That’s a barrier we need to break. That’s the person we need to work on. Its’ not easy, but then again, nothing in life will come easy…

Picture from Pexel

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28 thoughts on “I am not special

  1. You Know you really touched my heart there. I know how it feels when you want to be someone else than what people expect you to be but then you can’t. I just gave the admittance test for medical university and everyone looks at me as if i fail, i’ll be the biggest loser. These mindsets really need to change.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. every person is special in his own way ! I achieved my MD, i thought after years of studying this will make me happy ! it stole my soul…so i decided to stop, and i became a health writer! Find your true passion, what makes you feel happy! not what you hear from your family or neighbors…. this is your life.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. We as a society doesn’t appreciate the art of learning, we all run for jobs that will pay well even though you are hell dissatisfied with the work and life you are leading. So girl take your time, its never too late to figure out what works for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m sorry that you have expereinced that, I really didn’t have many good attributes going out of high school and that the fact that your into chemistry is a good thing, but also that you wanted to be an author and a blogger too we need innovative thinkers as well. I really t think as a whole, your effect you have on your family and friends with kindness and love will leave more of a impact on your life than job choice

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Hello Rinum you have taken your whole life against the wind I suppose. Just turn back and swim with the wind. While you move applying your thoughts change your strides, you will slowly and steadily reach your goal of what you wanted to be.
    Leave aside this Doctor thing it is now going out of business. In the next twenty five years the whole scenerio will change. There are drastic innovations coming into health.
    See now the medical field is wholly depending on technology, the state is without which they are nowhere.
    Call on to your wishes blessings shall pour.
    Fond Regards
    Shiva
    🌷💞

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This was one of the best comments I’ve read. You’re absolutely right… I need to stop focusing on what could have been or what I think I want it to be… Life is too short to worry about things that’ll only make me depressed…. Thank you so much for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have caught it right at the neck.
        It takes time though but when it is caught at the right time and place over night it shall give results.
        I only hope for that for You dear.
        Depression is Suppression of our inner being. -The Joy.

        Like

  6. Good luck with charting your own path. It’s really tough to live differently to what is expected of you and it hurts to disappoint those around and still choose. You are worth it just because you are you, because god looked at the world and thought it needed you in it, not because of anything you do or don’t do.

    Liked by 3 people

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